If you are observant enough, you will
notice him in markets - an ageing, cosmopolitan gentleman haggling
with the market woman pricing pepper, fish, okro and vegetable oil.
His age, generally 50 and above. At other times, you see him in the
high brow areas of major cities doing his shopping at the mall. If he is
no longer in paid employment, he spends much of his time at the Club
house. There is a
club patronised by such elderly live-alone men in old
Bodija in Ibadan. He lives a relatively quiet life at home – no
chattering or running around of children. Except, perhaps, for the
occasional female visitor, that is for those still with libido, the
house environment has an unnerving serenity. The above scenario
typifies the changing times for the family set-up, especially for
fathers in middle and upper class families in Nigeria. The ageing
Nigerian husband and father is facing a silent revolt – a gang-up
against him by wives and children who have chosen to remain abroad.
The irony of it all is that it is the successful husbands and fathers
who are mostly in this bind. Men took different routes to this common
destination of loneliness in their twilight years. Many had travelled
abroad, often to Europe, the US and Canada in their youth in search of
the golden fleece, got married either to fellow Nigerians or ladies in
their countries’ of residence, acquire higher education, raise families
and look forward to a life of bliss thereafter. While some returned
home immediately after their education, others stayed back to also get
their children educated before returning home. Some went abroad as
employees of government agencies or international organisations with
their families or raised families at their duty posts and either
returned after their tenure or stayed back. Some men returned while the
wives stayed back – different strokes. We have a large number of
stay-back wives in Maryland, New York and Atlanta, all in the US, among
others. There is a third category of those who went abroad under the US
Visa lottery. In all, going abroad were happy moments, then, and in some
cases, all the children of many couples ended up going abroad. Many
fathers of such children are no longer smiling. Yet, the rush to America
and Europe continues.
With Nigeria’s worsening economic
problems, those who never came back stayed put while the problems forced
the children of many returnees back to the countries where many are
citizens. Meanwhile, the returnee parents are getting older as well as
those who never went abroad but had children there. The returnees and
the locals are now in the same boat. In their active, younger days, many
parents travelled abroad on vacations to see their children. Now
retired or approaching retirement age, many parents are either
financially or physically not able to make the journeys again, while
some refused to visit to protest the children’s non reciprocation.
Then, the music changed, bringing about
current woes of many men, in spite of some putting a bright face to it.
This time, wives started travelling abroad, ostensibly to help take
care of their grand children abroad. That was when husbands’ problems
began. You would think there was a National Conference for
Diaspora-bound Grandmothers at which a road map was distributed. This
is because experiences of many marooned husbands are similar: initially
when the first grandchild is born, the wife travels abroad and spends
about three months. She returns home, spends about nine months to a
year and when the second grandchild is born, she either spends six
months or stays back permanently. For those who come back after the
second trip, the third is for a permanent stay.
Welcome to the phenomenon of the husband
‘bachelor’. What I have found amazing about this category of men
living alone, following their wives’ relocation abroad, is that many are
not contemplating taking a second wife. Even those in their early 50s
who are still randy avoid serious relationships while those who contract
temporary marriages soon abandon the venture. I was to learn that the
decision against taking a second wife, for many, is generally
financially based, given the rising cost of education. “How do you
expect me to start training a child from kindergarten at this age”,
noted a 60-year-old Ibadan resident whose wife and children are in the
US. He says he draws inspiration from more elderly people who are in
their 70s and in similar situation. He, however, concedes that he feels
the absence of his family most during festive seasons when the
loneliness hits him. Some not so solvent again take consolation in the
dollars and pound sterling from their Diasporan children. Even then, not
all are so lucky. It’s a matter of different strokes. There are those
who take in house helps, often with unpleasant experiences. An oil
company retiree with a big house in upscale Lekki area of Lagos said
house helps can be so unappreciative of your assistance and can walk out
on you anytime. He narrated an episode where the driver threw the car
key at him in the middle of nowhere, knowing that he had not driven for a
long time. A common concern among elderly husbands living alone is the
health hazard, the dread of falling ill in the middle of the night with
no one to assist. There was the story of a man in the Alagbole area of
Ogun State who had died three days before the door was forced open when
he did not attend a Tuesday church meeting. Many ‘single’ husbands say
their wives are always persuading them to come over, that the wives
wonder why the husbands choose to stay in the hell hole called Nigeria.
Although a few claim they enjoy cooking, many of the live-alone
husbands say they don’t find it funny going to the market. Some
husbands follow their wives abroad. According to a FESTAC Town, Lagos
resident,” When the second invitation came for my wife to come to
London, I told my son he has to send tickets for two, that I can’t stay
back again”. After six months, they returned home, but when the wife
was to go for the third and extended stay, he declined following. “I
find it very boring”, he lamented. There are some husbands who refused
to allow their wives travel abroad to help take care of their
grandchildren. One such husband insists: Why should they take my wife
away, I raised them, they too must raise their own children.
The problem of absentee wives and lonely
husbands is part of an overall trend of separation in the family.
Economic factor, especially employment, has also contributed to the
dispersal of the family, even at local level where, for example, a
husband works in Lagos and the wife in Abuja, with dire consequences
for family cohesion. Prof. Adelani Ogunrinde, a former
Vice-Chancellor, National University of Lesotho, while delivering the
Second Commencement Lecture of Bowen University, Iwo on October 16,
2008, highlighted, almost in lamentation, this phenomenon of the
dispersed family using his family as an example: He lives in Lesotho,
the wife in Abuja and the children in North America. He died about two
years later, with the family still dispersed.
-Dr. Olawunmi (olawunmibisi@yahoo.com)
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