Which is better, basic instinct or learned sex? - Funmi Akingbade

Whenever I have opportunity to settle sexual issues between couples, I am constantly confronted with similar question: sex is basic, why can’t it just be enjoyed at the spur of the moment; must it be learnt like a school subject? The best way married couples can enjoy sex is when they honestly search for what can make each other fulfilled and finding ways to achieve such. The more married spouses invest in nurturing their relationship, the healthier the sexual connection.

The fact still remains that partners change in marriage, they change in age, need, desires, emotional and also in sexual needs. Adopting different types of sex makes room for a truly amazing sexual enjoyment. Most up-to-date couples do not just have sex, they have great and brilliant sex because they subject themselves to learning. In other words, couples who are ready to learn will discover so much about sex.

For instance, there are different types of sex couples could learn and use.  For example, no matter how long couples have been together, the need to have earth-shaking, passionate sex occasionally even if it is once in a very long while, is very important. Having an extra-hot sexual experience is like a flashback. It can stimulate those early feelings you had toward each other in the beginning and it reminds you what you are capable of as long time couples. Passionate sex is a wild, sweaty, so-good-it-makes-you-dizzy type of sex many couples dream of. Such couples do not think that such steamy stuff only happens at the early stage of marriage or pre-kids stage. Learning has shown them that it can happen anytime.

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It has been said that you should not go to bed angry. This is best applicable to couples; sometimes couples find themselves in a very hot intense argument, disagreement and fight.  In spite of all, couples can still go to bed very happy if they are aware of the make-up type of sex. Make-up type of sex assists couples to end any type of argument and fight. The strength of make-up sex can be uplifting and comforting; when one minute you are reeling from anger, and the next you are rolling around making romantic sex. Make-up sex works because after a fight, you are raw, exposed, and vulnerable. It’s also a perfect condition for intense, soul-to-soul physical bonding. In many ways, make-up sex restores a level of closeness that you may feel was fractured by the argument.

When either of the married partners is feeling sad, depressed, grieving, alone, or hurt, comforting sex can be the perfect antidote.  Comforting sex is all about being close, warm, loving, and together with someone who cares. Sex in such occasion can be an end to bitter experiences. Sex is a way of declaring your aliveness.  Usually, comfort sex is more emotional, sweeter, and perhaps more moving than usual sex because the desire to connect to life is so great.

Quite a large number of partners say orgasm is not a frequent experience in their love making and  are worried and anxious to experiencing climax stage. Did you know that this type of sex can also be comforting in such a way that comforted partners could just sleep off in the comforting arms of their spouses?  Sex experts say this kind of sex is still one of the best therapies for couples’ sexual health. You are just two warm bodies who love each other and appreciate that a sweet, simple touch can be enough for a deeper oneness.

Sex may not to be an exquisite encounter every time. Some couples, especially wives, think everything has to feel ‘perfect,’ both partners have to be in a sexual mood to have sex. If every couple have to wait for that, sex would not happen very often at all.  This is where maintenance sex comes in: when you just do it, even when your engine is not necessarily raring for a ride.

Just-for-the-sake-of-nearness sex is very important to a long-term marriage relationship. Sex is the one activity a couple has that excludes other people. It keeps your bond unique and strong. By making a habit of it, you are building regular opportunities for connection.

Couples in relationships sometimes crave excitement and stimulation, but do not know how to get it with their partner. For example, if you are used to one particular position, try a new one with its varieties. If you want to try missionary, have your wife wrap her legs around your waist so you can’t pull out very far, or have her hold tight to your buttock with both hands and pull you in close for the same effect.  Right before you make her reach orgasm and you also are at the brink of it, make sure you focus on one trigger move that you know for sure will make your wife whisper ‘please don’t stop.’ It can be a kiss in a place that you know turns her on like never before or a combination of some customised thrusting pushes that make her climax in a matter of seconds. Sometimes, some wives that have gone through circumcision may find it difficult to reach orgasm at this stage and you the husband may be at the verge of ejaculating. All you have to do to avert this is to switch positions or stop altogether and kiss for a moment. This helps to soften her nerves and get her to climax on time.

Couples may also decide to shift love making to holiday periods. On vacation, you are at your most carefree, which means you can try new things that may not be comfortable doing at home due to lots of live-in in-laws or friends or tenants. In other words, you can have sex anywhere.

- Funmi Akingbade

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