MUST READ: *[ADULT ONLY +25] The thin line between fidelity and sex

Lots of men can relate to one of my readers who said ‘Anyone who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach failed geography.”

We’ve all heard various tales about the importance of sex to a man. While there’s far more to men than just sex, and not every husband views sex in the same way, it’s important for wives to understand that most husbands do approach sex differently from their wives. Many men are finding ways of expressing these differences to their wives, they wish their wives understand their unique approach to sex. Although this may not be applicable to every husband exactly, it can certainly provide wives with new information and perspective in understanding their husbands better. This is because failure to do this drives many married couples outside their matrimonial bed in search of their insatiable sexual fulfilment.

While it is generally acknowledged that a woman’s sex drive is lower than a man’s, (this is not so in many cases), most women completely under-estimate how important sex is to their husbands. The vast majority of husbands do not run around trying to sleep with every woman they see. Many husbands truly love their wives and family and are passionate about monogamy. As much fidelity matters to him as a married man, so does sex matters a lot.

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Although quite a number of wives get aroused very gradually and need to warm up to the idea of sex, men don’t have to have much foreplay, or even forethought, to be ready for sex. This is why someone rightly says, men are microwave ovens and women are clay-pot ovens. When you give a woman good support, hold her close, compliment her, listen to her, laugh with her, cry with her, romance her, encourage her, believe in her, cuddle her, shop with her, give her jewellery, write love letters to her, and go to the end of the earth and back again for her. Now she might be ready sexually! But for the man: just show up naked in front of him!

A man could have the worst day ever and still enjoy sex. Emotions can impact a man sexually, but most times, he can push those aside and be instantly ready.

Whenever a single lady is about to tie the knot, I usually drum it to their ears that sex is a legitimate physical need for a man and that if they are not ready to give it lavishly, they should not marry the man. For good number of men, sex is an appetite that keeps returning. Sperm cells are building up 24/7 and simply put, they want to come out. If there isn’t a release, your husband may find it uncomfortable or, in some instances, painful. To help you understand how this feels, think about when you have to urinate really badly or when a nursing mother’s breasts are painfully engorged with milk. It is similar for a man. Relief will happen through ejaculation by orgasm, or nocturnal emissions (wet dreams). But many husbands would much rather it be with their wives!

So wives must realise that sex is intimacy to men. For most women, intimacy is primarily an emotional thing; for most men, it’s primarily sexual activity. If you really want his attention, work with the way God designed him; fill his sex drum. As a matter of fact, your sexual relationship may be the ‘on- ramp’ to communication, conflict resolution, and building the emotional intimacy you are longing for. When you give him the physical intimacy he desires, it releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which significantly increases the chance that your husband will provide the emotional support you long for. This is because a man’s sexuality is the core aspect of their identity; sex has a deep emotional impact on men. Being sexually fulfilled in marriage significantly impacts most husbands’ confidence and masculinity. Seventy-seven per cent of men agreed that if their wives were interested and motivated sex partners, it would give them a greater sense of well- being and satisfaction with life and they will stop infidelity. As much as men want sex, they also hate rejection. A wife “Not tonight” translates into “I’m not interested in you.” Make sure that if you’re responding with a no, you gently discuss it with him. Amazingly, men are more fragile emotionally than their wives often realise.

Wives, don’t ever forget that they are just grown boys; they need compliments as well. As women, you look in the mirror, but so do your husbands. They can feel unattractive, out of shape, and embarrassed to let you see them naked when they are out of shape also. These things make them question whether you still desire them anymore. However, when you compliment them, this gives sexual confidence. More importantly, as bodies change and age, remember that the beauty of a person really is more than skin deep. See God’s glory in your husband as a total person, including the external packaging. And then verbalise that to him.

Husbands like it when wives initiate sex, most husbands feel as though they’re the ones who always initiate sex. But they also like to be pursued—especially sexually. Husbands don’t want their wives to have sex with them because they feel guilty. They want their wives to want to be with them. So, don’t be shy about letting your husband know you’re in the mood. At the same time, don’t take it personal when your husband doesn’t initiate sex.

While it is said that most men need sex, what does it mean if your husband doesn’t pursue you sexually or seems to have no interest in sex? Don’t jump right to personalising this, second-guessing, or blaming yourself. Don’t instantly conclude that he’s having an affair or watching pornography. In spite of the myth that men want sex anytime anywhere, this isn’t true. Men can compartmentalise various events (like a bad day at work), but they don’t necessarily disengage from their deeper feelings. Although your husband might not be able to verbalise it, he may not always be able to detach from what’s going on emotionally. Other issues—both physical and emotional—can also affect your husband’s sex drive. If your husband lacks interest in sex, be wise and sensitive in conversing with him about it. Ask him if there is anything affecting his desire to be sexually intimate. Inquire about anything you’re doing that might be impacting his sexual desire and ask if there are positive things you can do to renew his sexual interest.

Deep in the heart of every man is a longing to romance and win the affection of his bride. Unfortunately, these days there are very few quests to pursue. Many men get their adventures from video games and their romance from television programmes. But in a healthy marriage, sex can be the adventure many men long for. Allow your man to court and woo you! And respond when he does. Help your husband enjoy the adventure of captivating you. A woman can’t force her husband to pursue her, but she can sure flirt, tease, hint, entice, and reward him—and marriage is the right place for this to happen.

Help your husband battle sexual temptation. As men, they are faced with enormous temptation in today’s world. These men are more visually stimulated than you are as women; plus, the world is throwing half-naked women at them in every other commercial on television, on the Internet, and on the street. Our husband daily battle with some forms of temptation. Realise that God brought you into his life as a helper; you help your husbands guard against temptation by regularly connecting with him sexually. Your husband depends on you to be his partner in his battle against sexual temptation. You’re the only woman in the world whom your husband can look at sexually without compromising his integrity!

Even though a wife cannot compete with the raw sensuality dangled at men in our culture, what you do have to offer your husband is far more profound. Fulfilling your husband sexually encompasses so much more than the physical act. It means embracing all that he is, hopes, and desires. No magazine, no co-worker, no porn site can be this teammate and confidant for your husband. This is your gift. Unwrap it.”

Remember, sex is for marriage, and you are the only one who rightfully can give your husband this gift. Keep it in mind that there are times in marriage when you may simply choose to give this gift even though when don’t feel like it. By nurturing all the ingredients of a great sex life, you can help forge a deeper connection and move toward a more loving relationship with your husband and help him fight against infidelity. Until next week, I remain your loyal bedroom instructor.

- Funmi Akingbade

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