I am writing from the
Christian perspective. When God created Adam, He looked and saw that he was alone. That was when He decided to give him a partner, Eve. Guys, the first reason for every marriage is companionship. This is where we get it wrong.
How many of our marriages today can boast of the right companionship? Men get married for the wrong reasons and that has led to a lot of pain in our homes. A man, on becoming an adult, is put under pressure by his mother who would start crying for a grandchild even before a marriage is contracted. This is the reason a woman is put under so much pressure as soon as she steps into her husband’s house.
A lot of childless women today are not childless because they are not fruitful. A good number of them are childless because there is no peace in their heart. I remember years back when an aunt called her son to order when he tried putting the wife under undue pressure because of her inability to have a child. She warned him never to put her under stress and threatened to take the girl away if he continued. He changed and I can tell you that they have three boys today. How I wish we had more parents, especially mothers, like her in Africa.
Why do we have many of our mothers trouble their daughters-in-law so much on account of childlessness only to live in prayer houses when their own daughters go through a similar experience? Why do men console their sisters and their husbands over childlessness but hate their own wives over the same problem, often times marrying a second as a solution? As I always say, women are their own worst enemy. If women don’t put their sons under pressure, they won’t opt for a replacement.
Worse still is that women are now seen as childless until they have a son (plight of the African woman). I can understand how you feel as a man without a child. I know what it means to go for months and years in marriage without a child in Nigeria, especially for those from the eastern part of the country. But I can tell you this: the woman feels it more. She loves you so much that she wants to be the mother of your baby. I know there are terrible women who go into marriages just to strip the men of all they have and move on with their lives life. It might interest you to hear that there are young girls who make up their mind not to have a baby for you. Some of them lived very rough lives, got their womb destroyed and in some cases removed. They are just agents of darkness out for your destruction. But I believe your wife loves you.
It takes the special grace of God for a woman who is looking for the fruit of the womb and is put under pressure by the society, to conceive. Men, please do all you can to protect the woman you met, fell in love with and took in as your better half. When both of you are united, your child (male or female) will come. I also have to remind you that you, the man, are responsible for the sex of the baby. The woman has XX chromosome while you have XY. If you give out X during intercourse, it meets with her X to produce a female. But if you give out Y, it becomes a baby boy when it meets her X.
A lot of women go from one hospital to the other believing everything is wrong with them. I know a woman who was verbally abused for 12 years. Her mother-in-law hated her, her husband couldn’t care less; he watched as the woman was called all sorts of names for years. Meanwhile, he man never agreed to go to any doctor. It got to a point that the woman ran away from their house in Abuja and went to stay with her mother in the village. Today, this same lady who was accused of destroying her womb in the university is a mother of a five-month old baby. On the other hand, the man who, with his family, emotionally tortured her for years, is married to another woman without any child! Guys, who is now the source of the problem?
You tell your wife how you impregnated girls as bachelors. You lived your life sleeping with different kinds of girls. You wasted your substance so early in life and had untreated Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) and now you make that poor woman the scapegoat?
Men vomit terrible words to their wives. The woman takes her bath at night, applies very nice fragrance on her body, doing all this in the hope of making it this particular ovulation period. But what do you tell her as she comes into your room? “I am tired of wasting my time on a fruitless tree!” How could you be so mean and cruel to a fellow human being?
Some men, out of their selfish desire to meet up with their peers, go the extent of using their fertility for money ritual. If you know you got involved in such satanic deal, why did you marry that girl? This has led to your carefree attitude whenever she starts talking about solutions to the problem.
I feel so much for some childless women. I really give kudos to those real men who have stood by their wives despite the pressure from relations. A good number of men in childless marriages have resorted to living all kinds of deceitful life just to have babies.
I have seen relations, terrible relations and friends lead men into things they spend their entire life regretting. They know you love your wife very much and you can’t afford to hurt her. These same people will call you to the village, get you drunk, and have you impregnate a girl. By the time you realize what is happening, you find yourself running to the village every weekend because you must have to tend the fruit you planted.
Some men claim they had to do it that way because they love their wives so much that they don’t want to bring another woman into the house.
An uncle, after 28 years of childless marriage, did not come to the village to marry a second wife. Yes, the doctors confirmed the problem is from the wife as her womb is upside down (according to them). True love made him stand by her. Sometime in 2007, they settled for adoption. Today, they are happy parents of two children. The bond they share is stronger than before. Do you think that woman will ever wish for a better husband?
If you decide to go on waiting, please do all you can to keep her mind at peace? Get her busy with something rewarding? You can get her a good job or business of her own. You may not know this, but most days when you are out there making money, the woman you love is in the house all alone, in tears.
Getting her busy outside the home will also take her away from the terrible and hurting words coming from your relations.
I thank God for mothers-in-law who show understanding during this trying period. But a lot of relations contribute to the problem of childlessness. By continuing to insult the woman, calling her a man and all that, they make her afraid of tomorrow even as her heart bleeds, because even when you show no interest in their pressure for a second wife, she feels you can wake up one day and obey them.
Guys, I know it’s not easy. I know what it was like waiting for just five months after my wedding. I can only imagine what the two of you are going through. I understand how you feel whenever you see that colleague you got married before taking his kids to school. I know it is one of the reasons you don’t want to travel for Christmas. But do not lose hope and your faith in God.
Sure, some women may have brought the problem upon themselves through the rough life they lived as single girls. But you chose to love her for better or worse. Please find a way of solving this problem. I know you can handle it and I believe God will give you the strength to carry on. He will never give you more than you can handle. God trusts you to handle it and that is why He chose it as your own thorn in the flesh (we all have ours).
- Amara [08033832503 Email: amara@amarablessing.com ]
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