While competition between siblings may be mostly harmless during childhood, it can bring out the absolute worst in us if it develops into envy in later life...........
Sibling rivalry. What could be more natural, more healthy? The very phrase conjures
up nostalgic images of ruddy-cheeked boys, straining to beat each other at tree climbing or Ludo. Or little girls, eyes shining with eagerness to outsmart one another in the classroom, guilelessly striving to please their parents at home. But spool forward 25 years and very often that competitiveness has crystalised into an emotion that is much less healthy and much more shameful – sibling envy.
It’s bad enough being second best to your schoolmate at sports as a 13-year-old; how much worse to feel completely eclipsed as a 33-year-old by your brother’s high-flying
career or your sister’s perfect partner? And no matter how much we love our brother or sister deep down, when sibling envy takes hold, it has a corrosive effect on our ability to express affection. Overt rivalry in childhood is upfront, dynamic and character-building, a necessary rite of passage that enables each child to find their niche within the family. But sibling envy in adulthood is a stagnant, secretive emotion that finds its insidious expression in anger and Schadenfreude.
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‘There’s always going to be a little bit of jealousy between siblings, which is a normal part of human nature, but when that turns into envy it brings out the absolute worst in people,’ says Karen Doherty, a mother of four and co-author of the new book Sibling Rivalry: Seven Simple Solutions. ‘Sibling envy is like a festering wound and it sours our relationships to the point where we can’t bear the idea of our siblings being successful, or even happy, and instead take pleasure in their failures.’
Zoe, 38, admits that she can barely look her elder sister in the eye sometimes, such is the depth of the resentment she feels. ‘Every time I walk into my sister’s house, I feel my stomach contract with horrible feelings I’ve never been able to put a name to, but I suppose envy is probably the right word,’ she says. ‘My sister is four years older than me and has the sort of fabulous life I will never have: a handsome French husband who earns so much she can stay at home with her two gorgeous children –
a boy and a girl, obviously – an amazing social circle and designer clothes. I work for a relative pittance in the social-care sector and I haven’t had a date for two years. Although I try my best not to be chippy and angry, I don’t always succeed. Without meaning to, she makes me feel like a failure – and she always has.’
‘My sister has the sort of fabulous life I’ll never have. Without meaning to, she makes me feel like a failure’
Therein lies a telling clue to the pernicious nature of sibling rivalry: ‘She makes me feel like a failure’ is an expression that really says more about the speaker, rather than the subject of the remark. While it’s only natural to compare ourselves with our brothers and sisters, there’s often an irrational knee-jerk tendency to irrationally blame them for our own limitations. But unless they are openly critical, they can’t be held accountable for our feelings of inadequacy. Usually – and there’s no surprise here – parents are responsible for sowing the seeds of a tension that extends far beyond the playground.
Ironically, it’s not always the gifted child who is lavished with praise and treated as special. ‘Sometimes parents erroneously try to level the playing field by protecting and supporting the child who doesn’t excel at anything, thereby making the others feel less appreciated or loved,’ says Doherty, who freely admits that she and her younger sister in particular had a very fraught relationship. ‘I was the middle child and a very hard worker; my brother above me wasn’t as good at sports or schoolwork and my sister below me had a quiet personality, so my parents would squash me down and boost them up. I was in my 30s with children of my own before I was able to talk about my feelings and confront both my sister and my mother. I told them I felt they ganged up and undermined me – they’ve never done it again since.’
That you can choose your friends but not your family can be an extremely painful truism. If you feel inadequate in the presence of an ultra-successful friend, you can always withdraw or even cut them out of your life completely. But family occasions – births, deaths, marriages, anniversaries, Christmases – will necessarily draw you into the fold and back into the familiar patterns of behaviour. Some people, in extremis, do decide to cut all ties, but it’s arguable whether they feel better afterwards. Shelley, 37, hasn’t spoken to anyone in her family for five years, apart from an aunt, to whom she remains close
Sibling rivalry. What could be more natural, more healthy? The very phrase conjures
up nostalgic images of ruddy-cheeked boys, straining to beat each other at tree climbing or Ludo. Or little girls, eyes shining with eagerness to outsmart one another in the classroom, guilelessly striving to please their parents at home. But spool forward 25 years and very often that competitiveness has crystalised into an emotion that is much less healthy and much more shameful – sibling envy.
It’s bad enough being second best to your schoolmate at sports as a 13-year-old; how much worse to feel completely eclipsed as a 33-year-old by your brother’s high-flying
career or your sister’s perfect partner? And no matter how much we love our brother or sister deep down, when sibling envy takes hold, it has a corrosive effect on our ability to express affection. Overt rivalry in childhood is upfront, dynamic and character-building, a necessary rite of passage that enables each child to find their niche within the family. But sibling envy in adulthood is a stagnant, secretive emotion that finds its insidious expression in anger and Schadenfreude.
‘There’s always going to be a little bit of jealousy between siblings, which is a normal part of human nature, but when that turns into envy it brings out the absolute worst in people,’ says Karen Doherty, a mother of four and co-author of the new book Sibling Rivalry: Seven Simple Solutions. ‘Sibling envy is like a festering wound and it sours our relationships to the point where we can’t bear the idea of our siblings being successful, or even happy, and instead take pleasure in their failures.’
Zoe, 38, admits that she can barely look her elder sister in the eye sometimes, such is the depth of the resentment she feels. ‘Every time I walk into my sister’s house, I feel my stomach contract with horrible feelings I’ve never been able to put a name to, but I suppose envy is probably the right word,’ she says. ‘My sister is four years older than me and has the sort of fabulous life I will never have: a handsome French husband who earns so much she can stay at home with her two gorgeous children –
a boy and a girl, obviously – an amazing social circle and designer clothes. I work for a relative pittance in the social-care sector and I haven’t had a date for two years. Although I try my best not to be chippy and angry, I don’t always succeed. Without meaning to, she makes me feel like a failure – and she always has.’
‘My sister has the sort of fabulous life I’ll never have. Without meaning to, she makes me feel like a failure’
Therein lies a telling clue to the pernicious nature of sibling rivalry: ‘She makes me feel like a failure’ is an expression that really says more about the speaker, rather than the subject of the remark. While it’s only natural to compare ourselves with our brothers and sisters, there’s often an irrational knee-jerk tendency to irrationally blame them for our own limitations. But unless they are openly critical, they can’t be held accountable for our feelings of inadequacy. Usually – and there’s no surprise here – parents are responsible for sowing the seeds of a tension that extends far beyond the playground.
Ironically, it’s not always the gifted child who is lavished with praise and treated as special. ‘Sometimes parents erroneously try to level the playing field by protecting and supporting the child who doesn’t excel at anything, thereby making the others feel less appreciated or loved,’ says Doherty, who freely admits that she and her younger sister in particular had a very fraught relationship. ‘I was the middle child and a very hard worker; my brother above me wasn’t as good at sports or schoolwork and my sister below me had a quiet personality, so my parents would squash me down and boost them up. I was in my 30s with children of my own before I was able to talk about my feelings and confront both my sister and my mother. I told them I felt they ganged up and undermined me – they’ve never done it again since.’
That you can choose your friends but not your family can be an extremely painful truism. If you feel inadequate in the presence of an ultra-successful friend, you can always withdraw or even cut them out of your life completely. But family occasions – births, deaths, marriages, anniversaries, Christmases – will necessarily draw you into the fold and back into the familiar patterns of behaviour. Some people, in extremis, do decide to cut all ties, but it’s arguable whether they feel better afterwards. Shelley, 37, hasn’t spoken to anyone in her family for five years, apart from an aunt, to whom she remains close.
- Judith Woods
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Mmmhhh! interesting article,,,i've seen such happening even in my family .
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