Convener, All Ladies Affairs, Business and Career Forum, Dr. Shade Toyin-Kehinde, speaks on challenges married women face in balancing their homes and careers.
Continue to read part of her interview...
Which part of your house are you fond of?
Wow, wow, I am most fond of my bedroom.
Why?
That is where I enjoy the best fellowship
that gives me the tonic to keep going. That is where I meet with a man
to whom I can pour all my heart. That is where I get the best counsel,
encouragement and prayer. I attach the most importance to my bedroom and
of course I don’t joke with my sex life – it is an integral part of the
fellowship that I am talking about. I know that marital bliss cannot be
without sex. I tell business and career women not to joke with their
sex life; and I practice what I preach.
As a banker, how receptive were you to sex?
Oh, let me set the records strait; I am
busier now than when I was a banker; as a counsellor, pastor and one in a
social responsibility sector. Then, as a banker, I had resumption and
closing time, and when I had to call it a day and go home. But now, I
could get calls at 3am on my duty as a pastor. Sometimes, I am at my
desk here in the office till midnight, attending meetings. Sometimes,
because of my busy schedule, I don’t have good sleep for three
consecutive days. If I could manage my sex life then, it should be
difficult now; but no, it is not. I have set things right. I tell
married women at all kinds of fora that it is better not to marry than
come into it and claim to be tied and unable to enjoy sex – you are
courting trouble. There are so many mistresses out there willing to give
it to your husband. Let me share a personal secret: when you are tired,
that is the time to have sex. It will cool you down, that is the design
of sex. It puts your body back when it is about to give way. That is
the best sleeping pill – the right sex, with the right man – your
husband. When you feel really tired, have a good shower, relax in your
bed beside your husband, let him rub your back, you rub his and before
you know it, you are there and you will feel really refreshed. I have
practised it and I know it. It also cements relationships and settles
quarrels.
Are you saying that in 20 years you have never said no to your husband?
Hmmm, there has been no time that my no
was outright. I have had to say no only to find out that I have yielded.
Before I had this understanding, I, like other women, had the erroneous
belief that sex further drains you when you are already tired. I have
since learned not to say no; it doesn’t mean that I have sex every day.
But on whatever platform I stand to teach around the world, I do say
that for a healthy marriage, that a couple should not have any week
without sex. When I see couples who quarrel on every little issue, I
find out how their sexual life is; then I discover that they have not
been there for two weeks, one month, two months. So not a week without
sex please.
You talk as if it is automatic?
Well, there are factors that aid good
sex. There shouldn’t be pressure. Some African men love to leave the
roof burning and pretend nothing is happening. He knows the bills have
not been paid, yet he wants to sleep with his wife whose mind is
naturally on the unpaid bills. The woman is not in the right frame of
mind for sex. So it is easy for her to say, ‘don’t touch me; let’s talk
about the bills instead.’ If the man is not ready to talk about it, they
stay off sex for as long as the issue is unresolved. This is for the
men, ‘it is not the time that you want to go to bed with your wife that
you remember your wife exists. Pay the bills; make life comfortable for
your wife.’ That is why I can’t say no to my husband. He makes life
comfortable for me, he doesn’t give me a headache about bills being
paid, he pays attention to every detail and makes sure they are fixed,
he gives me hope. In such a man, I can relax; he doesn’t wait till
bedtime to tell me he loves me. Even in the midst of his schedule as
prayer director of Lagos Chapter, Pentecostal Fellowship of Nigeria,
among others, he still minds little details. He calls just to say, ‘I
love you’; he knows I love ice cream and he buys it often. There is
nothing he can’t do to help me, especially when I get home late at night
– in the kitchen, in the shower, in the bedroom, we help each other.
When a man is as good as that, he will enjoy his wife in every sense of
the word. Some men say their wives don’t help them meet needs at home,
but they don’t open up to their wives. I spoke to a widow who said she
didn’t know her husband’s office address while he was alive.
Culled - Punch
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