Justina Ebede |
Justina Ebede stared at the frozen
window of her apartment on a cold weekend in Maryland, US. She stood
still, watching the little birds pecking at the icy snowman her children
had built: a beautiful and cold morning that reminded her of her
journey to single parenthood.
Justina, who is famous in Nollywood
movies produced in Maryland, provides for her three children alone,
supporting and caring for them through the roles she gets in the
industry.
Some of Justina’s fans have even
described her as an A list Nigerian actress in the US. But these moments
did not come against the backdrop of a rising sun’s soothing rays.
Justina is a victim of domestic violence. Like some other famous victims
of domestic violence such as American singer, Tina Turner, Justina has
been gradually turning her life around. She is empowered by the desire
to shield her children from her pains. Justina was 24 when a 52-year-old
man walked into her life. Her pastor assured them that it was a
marriage made in heaven.
Continue reading after the cut....
But with time, reality showed it was a
marriage made in a place much less pleasant than heaven. Justina endured
physical and mental abuses in the relationship.
Then as the wandering birds began to fly
away from the melting snow man, Justina turned towards me and opened up
about her marriage to a man who was 28 years older than she was.
She said, “Jebose, today is a gift of
love and celebration. I live in an intriguing time, appreciating the
sacrifices and pains of this great journey. Yesterday was history; a
story of the past to the present. Tomorrow is still a mystery, an unsure
and uncertain hard road to travel.
“On this cold afternoon in early
February, watching the birds freely expressing their love for a busy
city flowing with different peoples of the world and thinking about my
pains as a victim of domestic violence in the US, you may assume I have
nothing better to engage in.
“But being free from physical assault
every day by a man who took me as his wife, reassures my faith in the
living. How does it feel to have someone love me for me? Will I get to
experience that real love before I leave this world? My 13 years of
marriage to my estranged husband had been rockier than the Rocky
Mountains of Tennessee.
“The memories of my past suddenly came
back to haunt me. I was a victim of spousal and domestic violence abuse.
I have been beaten, battered, smeared and left to die, simply because I
loved this man. And I absorbed all the punishments. I was scared to
leave the marriage. I became a prisoner of love where love didn’t exist.
“My husband was introduced to me by my
pastor. He had visited home then from Maryland to search for a Nigerian
wife. His sister brought him to our church then and my pastor persuaded
and insisted that he was the man ordained by God for me.
‘My daughter, Justina, this is your
husband from God,’ I remember my pastor declaring at the time. I was
naïve, young and afraid. My parents were never married. I longed for
fatherly love, that bonding between a young girl and her father. I never
had that due to my peculiar circumstance. My father dated my mother and
I was born.
“So when my estranged husband was
introduced to me by a man of God, the pastor at our church in Warri, I
could not question his judgement. I was longing for a father’s love and
thought that being an older man, he would be that father and lover to
protect and guide me through the remaining days of our lives.
“I craved for that kind of love. After
two weeks, we got married and by 2002, he had relocated me to the US
where my troubles began. I was 24 and he was 52.
“I arrived at a home with hateful
relatives in Maryland. He was sharing his home with relatives when I
moved in from Nigeria. First, his niece told him I was too young for
him; she accused me of marrying him to take control of his investments.
These initial experiences affected my reception, thus, two weeks after
my arrival in the US, he suggested we return to Nigeria so he could
investigate my family background.
“He claimed his family informed him that
people from my village were notorious voodoo and witchcraft
practitioners. His family had also warned him not to assist me with my
legal documentation in US, but he did not listen to them. He was being
manipulated by his siblings. Those early days, he would lock me out of
our bedroom because his siblings told him I would remove important
documents while he was at work.
“They didn’t want him to marry me. I
wish I had known then. I didn’t have anywhere to go. I had no family and
friends in the US. I was trapped by love of convenience. I believed
everything he told me during our two weeks courtship in Warri. I
believed in my pastor. Jebose, it was a marriage built on faith but
destroyed by abuse.
“One year after our marriage, we had our
first child. His family members disowned us and did not visit or had
any relationships with us because they were not happy he was married to a
younger woman. After the birth of my child, I wanted to continue with
my education. I pleaded with him for sponsorship as my husband, but he
refused and insisted I get a student loan to send myself to school.
“He said he had assisted me secure a
green card as a spouse. I was on my own in the US then. I began to
notice mood swings in him. He would yell at me, occasionally and became
passive during our conversations. He distanced himself from me, denying
me sex, affection and attention.
“I was beaten each time I complained,
scolded and dehumanised. I struggled through college and when I
completed my education, I initiated a business plan. He did not take the
suggestion well. He immediately discouraged me. I wanted to pursue my
passion in acting, but he beat the living daylight out of me and
described me as a tube prostitute for being an actress.
“I was helpless and hopeless and felt
lesser than a woman. I watched as my self esteem was disrobed from my
soul by his physical and mental abuses. He said I was his maid in a
strange land.
“When I eventually became a citizen of
the US, I invited my mother over and initiated her trip to the US. My
husband hated the fact that she was there. He cursed me and bullied my
mother and I. He refused to allow me to work. All purchases were in his
name. He denied me sexual affection. He only slept with me for a few
times.
“I never had sexual satisfaction but
rather insults, assaults and abuses. He said he was God over me and that
that was his reasons for marrying me and bringing me to the US. Jebose,
I was always afraid to leave so people wouldn’t laugh at me. My mother
saw there was no love in my marriage. She encouraged me to leave and
find my happiness somewhere else. My husband kept telling me to leave
his house if I couldn’t tolerate him.
“My purpose here is to motivate other
women who may be experiencing similar problems in their marriages with
their spouses, to tell them it’s not okay to tolerate the abuse and
dehumanisation. You can be who you aspire to be. Happiness is the key to
fulfilling dreams as women. It’s not okay to be brought to America and
be tortured by the man that claimed to love you.
“I married a man I never had a chance to
date and never knew. I married an older man that was introduced to me
by a man of God I respected. I married domestic violence. I was beaten,
battered and brutalised. But through all of these, I managed to stay
alive. We went to a local restaurant once, had great time and the next
thing was marriage, after two weeks.
“I refused to involve the police on him
because of the stigma I would face. He probably would say his family
warned him not to marry me. Three times, I called the police. Each time,
I changed my mind. I was afraid of him. He had guns in our home. Many
Nigerians have killed their wives out of frustrations in the US. I was
so afraid that I moved out of our master bedroom to another room for two
years.
“I locked my door when I slept. I locked
the bathroom door when I was taking my shower. My blood pressure rose
to 119 over 200. My doctor was going to increase my dosage, and I was
determined not to continue. I moved out in the summer.
“My life now is surrounded with
happiness. I’m one of the most wanted Nigerian actresses in Maryland. I
have a beautiful soul and I’m moving forward with my children. The scars
of yesterday are just what they are: scars, reminders of brutal past.”
-Punch
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