#SEX: To have or not

The response of about 90 per cent of women to the question of orgasm is that ‘I‘ve never had an orgasm before or I don‘t even know what it is all about.’ This happens each time I have opportunity to talk in most female meetings, or gatherings. Sometimes, some women are not sure if they‘ve been orgasmic, or that they used to be orgasmic, but now they aren‘t. It is expected that such women would want to know what they or their husbands could do.

An orgasm is a reflex response that gets triggered when there is enough build-up of sexual tension from effective stimulation and freedom to go after it without inhibition or fear of being out of control. A lady cannot reach orgasm willy-nilly, but she can encourage or resist it.

Sexual arousal and release (orgasm) are controlled by our involuntary or autonomic nervous system. Arousal, getting “turned-on” or sexually excited, is controlled by the passive branch of our involuntary nervous system. Arousal happens early in sexual play, in our sleep and even throughout the day. Nipple erection and vaginal lubrication are indications of arousal. To get aroused, a lady has to be relaxed and soaking in pleasure, because the passive or relaxed branch of her involuntary nervous system has to dominate.

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Orgasm, however, is controlled by the active branch of our involuntary nervous system. As arousal builds to the point where we are just about to go ‘over the edge,‘ our body shifts from the parasympathetic nervous system (the relaxed side of our involuntary nervous system) being dominant to the sympathetic nervous system (the active branch of our involuntary nervous system) being dominant. So, to have an orgasm, we have to get active and go after it. Many women who struggle to be orgasmic tend to remain passive during their sexual experiences, so they don‘t help their bodies make the shift to the active nervous system’s control.

Sexual arousal and release are conditioned responses. If, as a child or young adolescent, you learned to block intense sexual feelings that would have moved you toward orgasm because of guilt or shame, you may, as an adult, continue unknowingly to stop your arousal before it leads to orgasm. Perhaps you learned to be orgasmic by rocking on your pillow to help you fall asleep as a child and now you have no clue how to transfer that form of stimulation into sex with your husband. Or perhaps, you were exposed to pornography or had your first orgasm in response to a negative stimulus, and now you may have to picture that same stimulus to have an orgasm. You are left in a dilemma, either to have an orgasm and feel guilty about the images in your mind or not have an orgasm and feel sexually unsatisfied. Even though a lady‘s body has been designed for sexual arousal and release, various factors may interfere with her ability to respond ‘orgasmically.’ These reasons must be identified and corrected. Any difficulty or inability to reach orgasm after adequate sexual stimulation can be caused by a lady‘s passivity or previous conditioning, by emotional or sexual trauma, or many possible medical factors.

How important is it for you to have orgasms? How do you know if you have ever had one? What happens when you are orgasmic? What happens if you have been trying, and nothing seems to work? These are frequently asked questions that need to be answered as an introduction to releasing orgasmic potential.

First, the importance of orgasms is evident, because rarely does a woman is interested in sex if she is not orgasmic. Initially she will be excited and enjoy sex with her husband, but over time, she will allow less and less sexual intensity to build and start having sex primarily for him. God designed our bodies to respond sexually, and the scripture teaches that the sexual drives of men and women can be fulfilled in marriage.

Intense arousal causes engorgement or a building of sexual tension, in the genitals and throughout the body in general. The engorgement triggers the reflex of the orgasm. The orgasm reflex sets into motion contractions in the lower part of the vagina and the uterus.

If you have been trying and nothing seems to work, you need to follow some important steps towards enhancing responsiveness.

If something were wrong physically, not all the efforts in the world would ever produce an orgasm. Start with hormonal evaluation. You may need to request that your family doctor have your oestrogen or progesterone levels measured. If you are menopausal, hormone replacement therapy may prove beneficial. If you are on a birth-control pill that is high in progestin, which suppresses sexual desire and response, you should switch to a pill that is higher in oestrogen and androgen (testosterone) activity. An oestrogen cream inserted into the vagina with an applicator will increase lubrication and enhance sensation. A one per cent testosterone cream applied on the outside genitals around the clitoris will increase both desire and responsiveness. Your family doctor may have to order and manage these possibilities.

Other factors that may interfere with orgasm and require medical attention include childbirth trauma or pelvic surgery. Low blood flow to the genitals due to smoking or cardiovascular problems may be successfully treated with drugs that increase blood flow. Medications for other conditions may suppress your sexual response. For example, some antidepressants slow down a man‘s ejaculation and do often make it difficult for a woman to have an orgasm. Work with your family doctor to find a medication that treats your depression, without necessarily suppressing sexual response.

Learn to know your body and what feels good to you. Start with a genital self-examination. Then share that discovery with your husband and teach him what type of touch brings you the most pleasure. Discover what conditions you need for sex to be the best it can be for you. As you know and take responsibility to create these conditions, you will more easily free yourself to release your responsiveness. You may resist self-discovery or avoid taking responsibility for your conditions because you believe the myth that if your husband truly loved you, he would automatically know how, where, and when you wanted to be touched and would produce your orgasm for you. Since we as women are much more complex and changeable than men, no man can know and meet our complex and ever-changing sexual needs unless we know ourselves and communicate what our body hungers for in the moment.

Listen to bodily sensations. To know your body and communicate what you need sexually, you have to be attuned to your body‘s sexual messages. You can learn to listen to your body and to become the best authority on your body and your sexuality. Listen all day long. Listen in the shower, when you are going about your daily house chores or at work, and if you have even a flicker of sexual sensation. Listen during sex. Both you and your husband will be happier when you learn to listen to your body and go after what you need while he learns to listen to you and respond to your desires.

Lead by invitation. Sex works best and responsiveness is most likely when the woman leads with her sexuality, not with pressure from her husband. That is because a turned-on woman is usually a turn-on to a man, but a turned-on man can be a demand or pressure to a woman. If you feel like he is typically ahead of you in both sexual activity and intensity, you may shut down because of the demand you feel to catch up. Demand always stifles a sexual response.

Distract from watching. As the saying goes, a watched pot never boils. Even so, a watched woman will not respond sexually. Questions and evaluations either by your husband or by you will put pressure on you and interfere with your natural bodily response. The best distraction is to focus on the sensations of where you are being touched, on the enjoyment of your husband‘s body, and on the receiving of your husband‘s enjoyment of your body. You must redefine your goal to go for higher levels and longer times of pleasure rather than for release.

Get active and go after. Are you withholding from your pleasure because going for your orgasm would be giving in to him? Go for it! Maximise your pleasure. You cannot will an orgasm any more than you can a sneeze, but you can encourage it. When your body gets to the point when it feels like you are about to go over the hill, rather than trying to have an orgasm, work with your body. Practise what we refer to as the orgasmic triggers: when you feel like breathing, breath heavier; when you start gasping, gasp louder; point your toes; throw your head back; make facial grimaces; tighten and relax your vaginal muscles; and thrust your pelvis.

Be deliberate about sex. Most couples need to make time for physical connection if they are going to learn what the woman needs to build her arousal and release her responsiveness. Yet, couples often resist scheduling their times together. They may believe that spontaneity is better. Our consistent finding is that the anticipation of planned sexual times together builds quality and the allotment of those times increases quantity. It is important that some of these planned encounters be for connecting, cuddling, and passionate kissing without intercourse or the building towards release. Freedom to enjoy each other without any expectations is a prerequisite to your getting to know your body and sexuality. Sex doesn‘t always have to mean SEX!

Kiss passionately every day. Daily passionate kissing keeps the pilot light on so that you can more easily turn up the flame. We recommend fifteen minutes a day of face to face intimacy-sharing spiritually and emotionally-that ends in thirty seconds of passionate kissing that does not lead to sex. Many times, women stop kissing passionately because they fear it will lead to sex and they do not want to go there.

Learn to have fun and play together. Focus on what is working rather than on what isn‘t. As you are able to affirm God‘s design of your sexuality, eliminate all physical barriers, and pursue mutual pleasure with your husband. Over time, you will have longer and more intense pleasure and eventually release all the sexual potentials that God intended for you with your husband.

- Funmi Akingbade

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