READ:
A couple relocated from England to
Nigeria to take up a family business and a few days ago, they were in my
office for a deep soul searching confab. From the look of things, their
sexual life hit the rock few months after their arrival due to their
new lifestyle in Nigeria. Things are not just as they used to be.
While the wife was of the opinion that
they can make their sexual life at least close to what they had way
back, the husband was very uncomfortable with the demand. After all
said and done, he blurted out, “Madam, how can my wife expect the best
sex and still have it regularly? To be honest with you, where we came
from, there is a working system unlike here and my wife is not just
ready to face reality. How can I face Lagos unending terrible traffic
while going to work and while coming back and still come home and
pretend all is well? As a matter of fact, I do not have energy for sex
most times when I am back from work and my wife never seems to just
understand the fact that I can’t have sex with her like I used to; I’m
just too busy.”
Continue reading after the cut....
Continue reading after the cut....
Although married couples struggle to
agree on a variety of issues, it seems that regular sex is one area in
which they often give up trying to find a solution. To help protect the
marriage union, couples should approach the sexual aspect of their
marriage in the context of their entire relationship by making sure both
are observing the same mutual sexual views and then recognise some few
predominant truths about sexual intimacy in marriage. Sexual pleasure is
an inbuilt desire that needs expression from time to time; orgasm is
needed to get bonded. So therefore, sex should be exceptionally
enjoyable by deliberately creating time for it.
Secondly, couples must agree to keep
talking about sex in the relationship even when they are not enjoying it
to the fullest. By this, it will be easy to give it priority. Great
sex begins with talking together in an open, trusting, accepting manner
and it is the only path to resolving the “how often is enough” question.
Thirdly, you should agree not to assume anything about your mate. Many
factors lie behind each person’s desire for more sex or less.
Do not assume that it is simply a male
versus female inconsistency in desire or that you know what your
spouse’s “problem” is, or the unhealthy system you both found
yourselves. Also do not insist that your spouse must conform to your
libido and timetable. On the flip side, do not assume your mate knows
why you feel the way you do. You have to express your own feelings,
preferences and concerns in a selfless manner.
Instead of assuming, commit yourself to
understanding your spouse and help him or her to understand you. That is
part of your lifelong commitment to care for and treasure each other.
Fourth, agree to consider possible outside barriers. If past or present
experiences are affecting your sexual relationship, do not hesitate;
adjust your lifestyle. Great sex depends on factors such as in-depth
communication, a sense of sharing your lives together, emotional
intimacy and, especially, a solid commitment to your relationship.
If you want improvements in the bedroom,
put the rest of your house in order. If you are concerned about having
more or better sex, you need first to invest care and attention in
building your entire marriage. At the same time, do not underestimate
the value of the worktable. Passionate intercourse is not to be reserved
only for times when everything else in your place of work or your
relationship is perfect in your own way. If not, you may never
experience the real connection of a marital union. Sexual expression is
central and important. Do not trivialise it.
It is important to pay very close
attention to every unforeseen ‘sex-stealer’ such as an unrealistic
dogmatic schedule, unending work load, physical exhaustion and so on.
Whenever you feel you are ‘too tired” for lovemaking, you might be
sending a different message to the other party. Instead, establish an
integrated front against busyness and reclaim the time you both need to
be alone together and also the time you need to have sex. Whenever you
can tell by the vibes your spouse is emitting that sex is on his or her
mind, do all you can to allow sensitivity and understanding to take the
better part of you than ignoring him or her. Sometimes, it may pay both
of you to stay on schedule. Whether you are running a business or
running a household, fatigue is inevitable. A word of caution: While
scheduled intimacy may work well in reducing tension where your love
life is concerned, it can sometimes cause lovemaking to become too
predictable. So it must not become the rule of the game. It is advisable
to sandwich scheduled sex with spontaneous sex, because spontaneity is
and can be very refreshing. This will eventually minimise marital
tension and maximise marital intimacy.
-Funmi Akingbade
Share your thoughts....thanks!
Share your thoughts....thanks!
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