Many couples start experiencing a form of
major shift sexually as age tells on them, and they get worried,
discouraged and even depressed when they are becoming weaker as they
age.
As men advance in age, they may
experience a slower erection process. The muscle contractions during
orgasm may not be as intense but they’re still pleasurable. Although it
generally takes longer to ejaculate, ejaculation needs not occur every
time. But the benefit of this is that it helps the man to have a better
staying power, which allows for more prolonged lovemaking. Also after
menopause, many women sometimes find it more difficult to become
lubricated. The vaginal tissue may become thin, caused by a loss of
oestrogen and intercourse may be painful. But notwithstanding, many
women find out they are more sensitive to touch as they grow older and
are more easily aroused.
Continue reading after the cut.....
Most people who have had good sex
continue to have it until they are hit by a troublesome ailment. You
don’t have to assume that you must give up sex as a result of
age-related health problems such as arthritis, backaches, muscle pain.
All you have to do is discuss any debilitating disorders with your
family doctor and also a sex therapist and learn to work around them.
For instance, if a wife suffers from thinning skin in the vagina due to
menopause and old age, she and her husband should make sure that she
inserts the penis just to avoid being hut unintentionally. If your body,
energy level and interests change, don’t cling to established sexual
patterns. You and your spouse should experiment with new ways of
satisfying each other, including new positions. A sex therapist can be
helpful.
Sexual problems that occur with aging are
more often psychological than physical. People think getting older
isn’t “sexy” or that “nobody has sex at my age.”
Once you start thinking that it is
inappropriate to be sexually active, you stop taking responsibility for
your sex life, and you cut yourself off from the enjoyment of sex.
Many people recall their sexuality at
puberty and (unwisely) use this as their sexual norm. Important: The
only “norm” is whatever is right for you at a particular time in your
life. Don’t assume that one disappointing day means you’re “too old to
do it anymore” and panicking. The greater the panic, the worse it gets.
Men become impotent and women are unable to reach orgasm. Result: They
avoid sex altogether.
Sexual satisfaction depends on your
overall relationship with your spouse and this is much more important
than most couples think.
For instance, if you are bored with your spouse, it is unlikely that he/she will excite you.
If your sex life begins to falter, ask
yourself why you are turning yourself off. People rarely are turned off
by outside factors; they usually do it to themselves.
Good way to turn yourself on again: Make a list. Using age as an excuse to avoid facing problems will get you nowhere.
Men usually associate sexuality with
strength and power. As a man ages, he perceives or imagines himself
losing his strength, which he sees as a threat to his virility. (Note:
Physical strength has nothing to do with sexuality.)
As a man grows older, his career may rise
higher. Even if he is a terrific success, he may not see himself that
way. Rather, he may feel that he is losing his power and control and
worry that his wife will see him that way, too, and respond accordingly
in bed.
Example: A man in his sixties complained
to me of impotence. When I asked how much time he and his wife spent in
foreplay, he replied that they spend ten minutes. I advised him to try
at least 40 minutes. Two weeks later, his impotence was completely
cured. Simply breaking the time barrier with new games had solved the
problem. Do you know that mere sensual contact during the day could be
helpful? One spouse can just lie back and is touched by the other but
not immediately on the breasts or genitals for 15 minutes to an hour.
The spouse being touched should stipulate what he or she wants in a
nonverbal way. If you would like your spouse to touch more slowly, put
your hand over your partner’s and just take the lead, you can slow it
down, switch places and take your time. Prolonged sensual touching
without genital contact removes anxiety in performance. From feedback,
this type of sensual contact has not only boosted the sexual confidence
of many older lovers but has revived their sexual confidence and
performance in the face of terrible sexual challenges. Many of these
couples develop wonderful feeling about each other. Resentments and
recriminations usually evaporate.
Many women face a paradox as they start
to age. On the one hand, they have finally come to grips with their
sexuality and desirability. They have had children, they no longer need
to worry about contraception, and they experience a great freeing-up of
sexual feeling. On the other hand, the aging process attacks this new
confidence. Many women have complained to me that the way they look,
they do not think they will be attractive to their husbands anymore, but
the plain truth is that a lot of things make a woman to be beautiful to
her husband more than the physical attribute. Good character, act of
submissiveness, neatness, working on good manners, taking good care of
the home, children, in-laws, providing wholesome meals and comfortable
environment for the man, etc all have a quota in attractiveness. In
fact, both men and women must learn to accept and like their bodies as
they change. Look at your body, examine it, and grew comfortable with
it.
Most couples who maintain their sexuality
as they age don’t see their partners as old, wrinkled and ugly. As they
mature, they accept older models of attractiveness.
Most important: For people who love each
other, the essence of the feelings that started decades ago still
exists. There is still excitement between them. In a strong, loving
relationship, spouses continue to see in each other that very special
person to whom they were first attracted.
Couples in their 60s and 70s and older
often ask me what to do about more sexual fulfilment, erectile problems
and other issues that interfere with intercourse. I tell them to slow
down, expand their sexual horizons, develop new sexual habits and start
all over again. The goal is simply not to give up too soon. Instead of
going right for sex, you should start to tease your wife. What you
should do is go slowly and start to have sex, then stop. Keep doing this
until she goes crazy and practically pulls you inside her. Now once you
have started the thrusting in and out, it is important to change pace
(and positions). Many wives moan from pain and not pleasure because they
are kept on one position for long. Again, your focus as the husband is
to concentrate on her pleasure and make sure she is really enjoying
herself.
What really works is to build up speed,
then pull back to a slow and sensual pace. Keep doing this pattern until
both of you cannot take it anymore.
- Funmi Akingbade/Punch
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